My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize