my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
