Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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