hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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