Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
