how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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