Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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