Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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