you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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