I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
