I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
