My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
