i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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