Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
