why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
