I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
