i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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