the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
