overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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