i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize