I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
false alarm, still single
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
