Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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