I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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