How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize