Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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