Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
