just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
