My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
