So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
