I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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