Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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