Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
