The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
