what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
cat food counts as protein by the way
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
