the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
