we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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