so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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