He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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