your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
