if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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