oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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