DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
