Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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