Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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