and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
