I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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