your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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