I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
