Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
