So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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