After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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