Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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