This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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