Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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