omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
