Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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