my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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