Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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