you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
