True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
